Remarkably Idiotic Creatures

So, there I was last Saturday afternoon, watching the big game--Texas versus Tennessee--when I saw something I'd never seen in all my years of watching sports.

Which is a whole lotta years, let me tell you.

This Texas defensive lineman named Colin Simmons pretended to pull out his wang and piss on the field.

For real.

Having just sacked the quarterback, he celebrated by pretending to unzip his fly and pull out his schlong and hold said schlong in his hand, while hosing down the field.

I mean, it was a well-choreographed performance--like he'd been planning it for days. 

For his efforts, he was castigated by the TV announcer--"just an idiotic move by Colin Simmons."

And penalized--a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty for "simulating using the restroom," as the referee politely put it.

And I'm sitting there on my easy chair thinking--you know, this is something you don't see every day.

Out of curiosity, I took out my phone to find more information about Simmons and, one thing leading to another, I discovered Simmons wasn't even the first college football player to pretend to urinate on the field.

No, that distinction belongs to Elija Moore, a receiver for the University of Mississippi. Happened back in 2019. Moore celebrated what looked to be a game-tying touchdown in the closing moments of the big game against Mississippi State by dropping to all fours, lifting his right leg and pretending to piss like a dog.

You were generous, Marcellus…

Like Simmons, Moore was penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. The refs moved the ball back 15 yards on the ensuing extra-point attempt and guess what? The kicker missed the kick. And Ole Miss lost the game by one point. Oops. 

Looking for someone, anyone, to talk about my discoveries, I proceeded to call anyone I thought might be interested--which led me to my dear friend, Adolfo "El Dragon" Mondragon, who shares my curiosity about oddball human behavior.

Adolfo theorized that Simmons and Moore were attempting to show their superiority by marking the field as their territory and showering their opponents with disrespect. No pun intended.

And, get this, they weren't even the first to do so...

"Blanco was first."

Say what?

That's Blanco as in Cuauhtémoc Blanco, the great Mexican soccer player. In 1999, while playing for his club team, Blanco got into a war of words with Felxi Fernandez, the rival goalie.

Fernandez said something nasty about Blanco's mother. And Blanco got so angry that when he scored a goal on Fernandez, he dropped to all fours and start pissing like a dog.

Fake pissing, that is. Like Moore.

Only unlike Moore, Blanco was not penalized. No yellow card, no red card--nothing.

In fact, you might say he was rewarded for his behavior when he moved on to politics--getting elected Municipal president of Cuernavaca in 2018. Though I'm pretty sure fake pissing like a dog was not part of his platform.

Hearing about Blanco's boorish behavior reminded me of our very own President Donny, the king of boorishness.

Let me take you back in time to 2024, just a few days before the presidential election.

Donny was at a rally in Milwaukee, when he started fellating the microphone. Or pretending to.

Not sure why. Though really, what possible explanation could I offer that would reasonably answer the why question.

His adoring MAGA cultists howled in delight. The scene was widely played on TV and social media. And a few days later, 77-something million Americans said to themselves...

I think it'd be a good idea to elect this guy president!

Heckuva job, voters.

Anyway...

Later Saturday night, I watched Remarkably Bright Creatures, a sweet movie about the foibles of human beings, as narrated by an octopus named Marcellus.

Yes, that's correct--the movie's narrated by an octopus.  Sorta like Mr. Ed--only an octopus not a horse.

Marcellus closes the movie with the following observation...

"Humans, for the most part, are dull and blundering, but occasionally you can be remarkably bright creatures."

In all due respect, Marcellus--I'd say that, considering the evidence, you were remarkably easy on us.