Dwight Garner Knows Everything

The time has come for me to pay homage to the man who knows everything--Dwight Garner, book reviewer extraordinaire for the New York Times.

One of my favorite Sunday morning moments occurs when, book review section in hand, I flop on the couch to read his latest.

Columns by Garner are not so much reviews as winding rides through the highway of his mind. I mean, the volumes this dude's got stuffed in his brain is phenomenal. It's like he's read every book ever written and can effortlessly drop any names, titles or quotes on cue as needed.

Leaving me to exclaim--how can one man know so much!

As just one example, consider his review of See You on the Other Side by Jay McInerney--a novel I have no intention of reading having read Garner's review.

Right away, in his very first sentence, he mentions Martin Amis.

And not just Martin Amis, but the their he devised to explain why novelists of the `80s and `90s, whether good or bad, were turned into celebrities. Like with McInerney.

And he quotes Amis without telling you who Amis is. That's another thing about Garner. He clearly feels no compulsion to identify the people and books he's mentioning.

Obviously, he figures you should know of Martin Amis. And if you don't? Look him up. I'm a writer, not a search engine!

After Amis, Garner mentions Julian Barnes, Christopher Hitchens and Ian McEwan.

Doesn't identify any of them either--except as friends of Amis. Which should be good enough to convey his point for anyone reading the review.

And if not? Stick to the sports section! You obviously weren’t meant for book reviews.

Where was I? Oh, yes, people and things Garner mentions. There's Tama Janowitz and Bret Easton Ellis. And McInerney's break-through novel--Bright Lights, Big City.

In which a central figure is a writer turned publisher. Giving Garner a chance to quote Philip Larkin (also unidentified).

"If you can't beat `em, edit `em."

Funny line, by the way.

And then he's off, naming and briefly judging each of McInerney's books--cause, of course, he read them all. Or as Carly Simon said--his horse, naturally, won.

Which has no relevance to anything--just me trying to be like Dwight.

The album in which Carly said it....

In describing the plot of the latest novel, Garner mentions a character, who's "a canceled chef, clearly inspired by Mario Batali."

Who he doesn't identify. Cause everybody who's anybody knows of Batali.

Except for me. I never heard of Mario Batali. Which means I'm not an anybody. No matter, as I sorta figure out who Batali is, or at least what he may have done, by the context in which Garner mentions him. So, move on...

Oh, did I tell you Garner's got a penchant for wisecracks? Well, he does. As in...

"See You on the Other Side is a landslide of unironic conspicuous consumption. You can almost hear the beep of the bar code scanners as characters move into the rooms."

Good line, Garner!

One that allows him the opportunity to refer to characters who wear a "Frette robe" or carry a "Louis Vuitton briefcase" or don a "black Prada suit" and so on.

Which leads him to observe that "brand names can thicken fiction's stew."

Which gives him a chance to mention Don DeLillo, Gary Shteyngart and Andy Sipowicz.

Yes, Andy Sipowicz. Who Garner goes on to quote...

"This guy talks too much, and he don't talk about the right things."

Just so you know...

Andy Sipowicz is not a writer--he's not even a real person. Instead, he is, as Garner points out, "the burly detective" from the "the 90s-era cop show NYPD Blue.”

Finally, an identification for the baffled readers, tired of googling Garner’s references on their cell phones.

Though, in retrospect, I'd have respected Garner even more had he not felt compelled to identify Sipowicz.

I mean, what's good for DeLillo, Shteyngart, Batali, Larkin, Janowitz, Ellis, McEwan, Hitchens, Barnes and Amis should be good for Sipowcz--right?

From here, it's the grand finale, in a dazzling Fourth of July firework-like display of the following people, all unidentified: Claire Lowdon, Alec Baldwin, Saul Bellow and Barry Blitt.

Bravo, Dwight Garner!

All of this, by the way, for a book he detests so much that he writes--"it depressed me to so thoroughly dislike this novel."

Another excellent line. But, wait, Garner's not done. 

His last sentence cites Stanley Elkin's "great novel", The Dick Gibson Show.

Instantly, I check my library app to see if the Chicago Public Library has it.

Good news! They have two paperback copies at the main branch. I ordered one. If all goes well, I should have it within a week. And I'll dig right in. After all...

If it's good enough for Dwight Garner, it's good enough for me.