Melania--The Review

There I was, walking along Wabash Street through the heart of Boyle Heights, a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood in Los Angeles, when who did I see looking back at me?

Melania!

Well, not in person. She was on a bus-shelter poster beneath a plate of glass.

The poster's advertising the Amazon-produced documentary about Boss Donnie's wife. His third one, that is. The one Trump married about a year before he had a one-night affair with a stripper named Stormy Daniels and about four months after she gave birth to Barron, Trump's youngest son.

Melania, that is. Not Stormy. Want to be clear about this. I’m pretty certain that Stormy Daniels did not give birth to Barron. Or any child of Trump.

I'm also pretty certain that no one in Boyle Heights wants anything to do with this movie that's so prominently promoted on a main thoroughfare where everyone can see it.

Actually, I'm pretty certain no one in American wants to see this movie--outside the MAGA cult’s brain-deadest members, of course.

I think we all agree this constitutes a negative review…

In fact, I have a feeling that no one in Amazon’s top ranks wants to see this movie, even though they paid the Trumps $40 million for the rights to produce it.

No, let me take it a step further...

I have a feeling that if you fed truth serum to Amazon’s bosses, turning them into characters like Jim Carrey’s in Liar Liar, who could only tell the truth--no matter how hard he tried not to--they'd confess that the only reason they produced Melania was it made the $40 million look like a legitimate business expense.

As opposed to, you know--an illegitimate one. 

Again, this is only conjecture. I can't say for certain. Unless, again, we found a way to feed everyone involved that truth serum.

Back to Boyle Heights....

I'm pretty sure no one here wants to see Melania cause the neighborhood was hit hard when Trump sent in his goons last summer. Businesses are still struggling to get back on their feet as there are still ICE agents roaming around harassing people. Though not as many as in Minneapolis, another city where I'm pretty certain most people want nothing to do with Melania.

So why promote Melania in a community that hates Trump? I can't say for certain. But I bet if you slipped Trump some of that truth serum he'd say that hanging that poster is his way of trolling. Just to remind everyone he can send back his goons anytime he wants. And don't you forget it.

So far the reviews for Melania have been of the two-thumbs-way-way-down variety. Especially, this one from The Guardian, which said...

"Melania is one of those rare, unicorn films that doesn't have a single redeeming quality."

And...

"I'm not even sure it qualifies as a documentary, exactly, so much as an elaborate piece of designer taxidermy, horribly overpriced and ice-cold to the touch and proffered like a medieval tribute to placate the greedy king on his throne."

And, finally…

"Two hours of Melania feels like pure, endless hell."

As for the word out of Boyle Heights, I saw this "review" etched into the glass that encased that poster on Wabash Street. It read...

"Fuck ICE."

Couldn't have said it better myself.