In The Navy

The strange saga of John Phelan's recently aborted reign as secretary of the Navy is one of those Trump-era political stories that's so preposterous it's easy to think it’s fake. 

Unfortunately, it’s all too real.

Please, follow. I'll streamline as much as possible, resisting the temptation to dart down tangential rabbit holes--of which, there are many. 

Here goes...

Soon after he was elected for a second go-around as president, Trump announced he was nominating Phelan to run the Navy, even though he knew nothing about the Navy.

He did not serve in the Navy, or any branch of the military.

His background is money, as in making it. Over the years, he's worked for Goldman Sachs and Zell-Merrill Lynch and an investment company dedicated to managing Michael Dell's fortune. And so on.

He became a billionaire and a pal of both Trump and Epstein. Having contributed close to $1 million in campaign funds to  and flying on the private jet of the other.

What else? Oh, yes…

He married a former cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys. They have homes in Colorado and Palm Beach and on Park Avenue in Manhattan.

They're art collectors, owning works by Andy Warhol and Willem de Kooning, among others.

But, nothing having anything to do with the job Trump gave him.

From near as I can tell, Trump choose Phelan to run the navy because…

One—he was his buddy.

Two—he donated cash to his campaign.

Three, and perhaps most importantly—he fed Trump's fantasy of building a new fleet of super-duper, all-power, battleships. 

It would be a "Golden Fleet" named for Trump, naturally, and born from Trump’s memories of Victory at Sea, a TV series made in the ‘50s. 

Shoulda hired one of these guys, Donnie…

Yes, this is true. Donald Trump's chief vision for the Navy is based on the foggy memories of a demented boomer for a TV show he saw as a kid.

That’s your president, America. 

Apparently, Phelan shared Trump's love for Victory at Sea. Or at least he was smart enough to pretend he did, texting and talking to Trump with almost orgiastic delight about the wonders of big battleships sailing the seas and crushing the bad guys.

Just like in the TV show.

Only these battleships, unlike the one in the TV show, would be named for Trump. Must never forget that detail in understanding why Trump does the things he does.

In Trump’s imagination, the new battleship would be, as the New York Times reported, "massive, weighing as much as 40,000 tons" and packed "with new high-tech weapons, like lasers, hypersonic missiles and electric rail guns, most of which are still in development and years from being deployed." 

And Trump said things like "we're going to restore America as a major shipbuilding power."

To which I imagine Phelan said say things like--that's right, boss.

And Trump would brag about how he had helped design the battleships--"I put a little more spirit in the hull. I want that ship to look gorgeous, you know."

And Phelan would say things like--anything you say, boss.

And the experts would say it's folly. There's no place in the U.S to build the ships. Plus, not enough steel to build thm. Or enough sailors to man them. And even if we could build them, which we can't, why would we want to? They're sitting ducks in the age of drones.

And we really can't afford to build them. At least, there are far more pressing things we can spent $65.8 billion on.

Which is how much congress has authorized to spend on ship building. Starting with $17 billion in fiscal year 2028.

Out of an overall defense budget of—get ready—$1.5 trillion.

Despite those billions, in all likelihood not one battleship will ever sail. Cause future administrations will probably ax this madness. Presuming that we never again elect a president immersed in delusions based on a television series from the `50s.

Back to Phalen…

The guy had to figure out a way to gently break the bad news to Trump.

Saying things like--we may have to build these ships in Europe, boss.

To which Trump would say something like--fuck that, Phelan. I wanna build them in America.

And Phelan would say something like--whatever you say, boss.

Then he'd go home and tell his wife...

This fucker is loonie, honey.

Well, I may have completely made up that last exchange. But I wouldn't be surprised.

As if Phelan didn't have enough troubles, he had to deal with Pete Hegseth and Stephen Feinberg. Now, for a few words about them.

Hegseth is the secretary of defense and Feinberg is his second in command.

They didn't serve in the Navy either. Feinberg made his fortune running a company called Cerberus, which makes money buying and selling other companies.

He, too, is a billionaire. Like Phelan. And Dell. And Trump. But not Hegseth, though he's working on that, I'm sure.

About a month or so ago, Hegseth and Feinberg started whispering into Trump's ear that Phalen could not be trusted--he was no team player. 

And with Trump's assent, they began undercutting Phalen's authority, turning over most responsibilities to an unnamed three-star admiral.

Leaving Phelan in charge of producing the Golden Fleet. Which, as I said, is going nowhere. Because, one more time, it's really hard to build a fleet without a place to build it. Or steel to build it. Or men to run it. And so forth.

So you might as well just take all those billions of tax dollars appropriated to build a fleet that can't be built and dump them into the sea. Which, essentially, is what Trump aims to do.

It all came crashing down last week, when Trump fired Phelan.

Or had someone else do the dirty deed. Cause he was too chickenshit to break the news himself.

And so Phelan joins a long list of Trumpers who have learned what Michael Cohen tried to warn them--if you get into bed with Trump, you'll wake up with fleas.

Or, in this case, thrown overboard into shark-infested waters.

Not that I feel sorry for Phelan. Please don't think that. I bet he's already cooking up ways to make even more money--getting in on that $1.5 trillion defense budget. Probably manage to buy another Warhol to hang on his wall.

Meanwhile…

Taxpayers of America? You’re  stuck with the bill of $65 or so billion for a Golden Fleet that will never be built.