Dust Storm Survivor

The story you’re about to read is true–none of the names have been changed to protect the innocent, though they’re all spelled correctly. I hope...

After a grueling day of podcasting, I take a walk to clear my head and think great thoughts. But…

I get this impulse. Gotta check my phone–for all I know, there's a text or email worth reading.

So scrolling through my email, I discover the latest newsletter from Alderman Scott Waguespack. And I think–oh, gotta read this...

As I walk, I read. Head down. Eyes glued to the screen. Sorta feeling the hostile vibrations of passing people who are undoubtedly annoyed. Cause they have to make sure I don’t walk into them. I don’t blame them for being annoyed. But I can’t help myself–I’m addicted to my phone.

Scott’s writing about the latest update in the city’s parking meter deal. The one in which Mayor Daley and all but five no-voting aldermen–Scott included–sold an asset worth $10 billion for $1 billion. 

Apparently, the city's settling the latest lawsuit with the parking-meter owners by giving them another $15 million. As if they haven’t taken enough of our money already.

Back in the day, Mick Dumke and I wrote many articles about the parking meter deal. As did Dan Mihalopolous. And Scott gives us credit for our articles. Only he doesn’t call me Joravsky. He calls me Jarovsky. And I’m like–are you fucking kidding me, Scott! After all these years, you can’t spell my name?

So there and then, as I’m walking along the sidewalk, I take a picture of Scott’s email and text it to Mick and Dan and Scott and Joanna Klonsky–who used to be Scott’s press secretary. Then I text them a wisecrack along the lines of–how can Dumke or Mihalopoulos be easier to spell than Joravsky?

So on top of reading my phone, while walking down the sidewalk, I’m writing and sending texts on my phone, while walking down the sidewalk. And everyone responds with their own wisecracks, including Joanna, who writes…

“He can spell Waguespack.”

Great alderman--not such a great speller...

Which made me laugh. So now I'm laughing as I walk down the street--head down, eyes glued to screen--typing responses to responses. And looking up spellings to make sure I don’t make mistakes while complaining about Scott’s mistake.

And Joanna texts: “Are you seeing what’s happening outside right now?”

And I look up from my phone to see…

Holy shit! It’s almost dark. Trees are blowing back and forth in a howling wind. There’s clouds of dust flying through the air. I’m walking through a freaking storm. And still, I text…

“Yes. Unfortunately, I’m on a walk.”

To which Joanna texts: “Jfc. Go inside.”

I think--maybe she's right. And home I dash, resisting the impulse to Google what Jfc means. Though I'm pretty sure I've figured it out.

At home, my wife tells me I’ve been walking through a horrific dust storm–the worst in some 100 years.

Two ways of looking at this. One, I’m a genius–too absorbed in great thoughts to notice mundane things like the weather. Or, two, there’s nothing genius about this, as funny as Joanna’s line may be. And I've lost my mind with this phone.

Speaking of which...

Scott texted an apology. No sweat, Scott. Look on the bright side–I got a column out of it.