North Side South Side

As the self-appointed bridge between sports addicts and people who know nothing about sports, I feel compelled to tell the know-nothings about the latest brouhaha gripping Chicago's baseball world.

So here goes...

First, the name.

They call it suckmyfuckindickbitchgate cause that's what PCA of the Cubs said to a woman who is a Sox fan.

Well, he didn't say gate. I added that part.

Sorry, I suddenly realize I've assumed too much sports knowledge for know nothings. Let me back up...

The Cubs and the Sox are two baseball teams in Chicago. And ritual requires Sox fans to hate all things Cubs and Cubs fans to hate all things Sox.

Why?

Cause Chicago's a city filled with hate and tribal rivalries that go back to the turn of the last century.

Think about that--fathers have been teaching sons (and, apparently, daughters) to hate for years and years and years. Weird city.

PCA is what Cubs fans call Pete Crow-Armstrong, the center fielder. They love PCA.

No, not strong enough. Cubs fans worship him. He's good-looking and has wavy blonde hair and he comes from California and, OMG, Cubs fans just adore him.

He's the Golden Boy--like the quarterback nicknamed "Sunshine" in the Denzel Washington movie Remember the Titans. In fact, Cubs fans should stop calling him PCA and start calling him Sunshine. As that would more accurately express their adoration.

Sunshine--for those who've never seen Remember the Titans...

So, naturally, if Cubs fans love PCA, Sox fans must hate him cause of that idiotic rivalry I was telling you about.

Which brings us--finally--to suckmyfuckindickbitchgate.

On Sunday, the Cubs played the Sox in a tight game before a packed house at Sox stadium. And in the 5th inning, PCA raced to the wall and leapt to make what would have been a sensational catch. But the ball fell out of his mitt, allowing two runs to score. Leaving PCA in a funk, sitting in the outfield dirt just a few feet away from the fence-enclosed picnic area, where a woman--a Sox fan--was with friends.

And as PCA sat there brooding, like Hamlet, the woman started yelling at him: PCA, you suck. Over and over again.

Waking PCA from his stupor of self-pity and prompting him to reply--and I quote...

"You suck my fucking dick, bitch."

Or as the New York Post wrote...

"You suck my f-king d-k, bitch."

Excuse my tangent, but...

Why redact "dick" but not "bitch"? In this context, isn't saying bitch more offensive than saying dick? I mean, if he'd said "suck my fucking penis" would the Post have written it as "suck my f-king p--s? While we're at it, why take out the i and the c in dick but keep the kin in fucking? Where's the consistency, NY Post?

For that matter, why redact any of it, including "fucking", as if that's not something people say all the time. Including President Donnie, much revered by the Post.

At least the Post--as wretched as it is--ran a redacted version of PCA's comment.

The Chicago Sun-Times didn't even do that, writing only that what PCA said was something you would not hear on a Cubs television broadcast. Way to keep your readers in the dark, Sun-Times.

Hard to explain how much Cubs fans love PCA...

Okay. Done with that tangent. Now onto this one...

Another thing about the Sox-loving woman--her fiancee is a Cubs fan.

In fact, he was with her in the enclosed area. And he was wearing a Cubs jersey.

Feeling compelled to defend his wife, he told PCA something like--hey, that's my fiancee you're talking to!

While probably thinking something like--thank god, this picnic area's enclosed by a fence!

Okay, done with the tangents. On with the show...

Imagine the fallout had Angel Reese said what PCA said...

The Sox went on to win with a walk-off tenth-inning home run by Edgar Quero that had half the city sobbing and the other jumping for joy.

Not surprisingly, the local reaction to suckmyfuckindickbitchgate was similarly split.

By and large, Cubs fans denounced the woman. And Sox fans denounced PCA or, as Antonio (from the South Side) calls him--POS.

Pretty clever, Antonio.

I do know one Sox fan--call him Fitz--who denounced the woman's behavior, noting she was "giving off Erika Kirk vibes."

Apparently, some Sox fans are lefties.

A day later, PCA apologized--sorta--saying, "I think I just regret my choice of words."

And the bosses of major league baseball fined him $5,000.

Leaving many questions, such as...

Does PCA, in fact, suck?

No, that's just White Sox-fan hate. He's very talented.

Should that Sox fan have told him he sucked?

No, she should have left him alone.

Should he have have told her "suck my fucking dick, bitch"?

No. He should have left her alone.

Should PCA have apologized?

Yes, and better than he did.

Should he have been fined?

No. I mean, she started it.

Was the Sun-Times wimpy for not telling readers what he said?

Absolutely!

Would they have concealed those comments had they'd been uttered by, say, Angel Reese?

Hell, no! And you all know it.

Should we give the New York Post credit for telling us, in their own redacted way, what PCA said?

No way! They were chicken-shit with their redactions. Besides, they're a right-wing rag for Trump. As PCA might say--they can suck...

Well, like I said, sometimes it's better just to leave it alone.