North Side South Side

As the self-appointed bridge between those who are addicted to sports and those who know nothing about it, I feel compelled to update the know-nothings about the latest brouhaha gripping Chicago's baseball world.

So here goes...

First, the name.

They call it suckmyfuckindickbitchgate cause that's what PCA of the Cubs said to a woman who is a Sox fan.

Well, he didn't say gate. I added that part.

Sorry, I suddenly realize I've assumed too much sports knowledge for know nothings. Let me back up...

The Cubs and the Sox are two baseball teams in Chicago. And ritual requires Sox fans to hate all things Cubs and Cubs fans to hate all things Sox.

Why?

Cause the Cubs play on the north side and the Sox on the south side. And Chicago's a city filled with tribal hates and rivalries going back for years. And that’s just the way it is. So shut up and start hating already. And don’t put catsup on your hot dogs!

PCA is what Cubs fans call Pete Crow-Armstrong, the center fielder.

Cubs fans love PCA. No, that’s not strong enough. Cubs fans worship him. He's good-looking and has wavy blonde hair and he comes from California and, OMG, Cubs fans just adore him.

He's the Golden Boy--like the quarterback nicknamed "Sunshine" in the Denzel Washington movie Remember the Titans. In fact, Cubs fans should stop calling him PCA and start calling him Sunshine. As that would more accurately express their adoration.

Sunshine--for those who've never seen Remember the Titans...

So, naturally, if Cubs fans love PCA, Sox fans must hate him cause of that idiotic rivalry I was telling you about.

Which brings us--finally--to suckmyfuckindickbitchgate.

On Sunday, the Cubs played the Sox in a tight game before a packed house at Sox stadium. And in the 5th inning, PCA raced to the wall and leapt to make what would have been a sensational catch. But the ball fell out of his mitt, allowing two runs to score. Leaving PCA in a funk, sitting in the outfield dirt just a few feet away from the fence-enclosed picnic area, where a woman--a Sox fan--was with friends.

And as PCA sat there brooding, like Hamlet, the woman started yelling at him: PCA, you suck. Over and over again.

Thus waking PCA from his stupor of self-pity and prompting him to rise to his feet, walk towards the woman and utter the words that will live forever in the annals of Chicago sports lore…

"You suck my fucking dick, bitch."

Ah, yes, we’ve come a long way from Ernie Banks—Mr. Cub—happily proclaiming, “let’s play two.”

PCA’s outburst and the ensuing kerfuffle left mainstream reporters baffled as to how to report what happened without coming right out and reporting it.

The Sun-Times opted to shield their readers from the horrors of something many of those very same readers probably say all the time, writing only that it was the sort of language you would not hear on a Cubs broadcast.

In contrast, the New York Post went with its own form of fill-in-the blanks, writing…

"You suck my f-king d-k, bitch."

Leaving me to wonder…

Why redact "dick" but not "bitch"? In this context, isn't saying bitch more offensive than saying dick? I mean, if he'd said "suck my fucking penis" would the Post have written it as "suck my f-king p--s? While we're at it, why take out the i and the c in dick but keep the k and the i and the n in fucking? 

For that matter, why redact any of it, including "fucking”? C’mon, Post, don’t be such a p—ssy!

Anyway, where was I?

Hard to explain how much Cubs fans love PCA...

Oh, yes, the standoff in center field.

Another thing about the Sox-loving woman--her fiancee, who was with her in the picnic area witnessing the confrontation, is a Cubs fan.

That’s right—it’s like Romeo and Juliet going to the ballgame together. He was even wearing a Cubs jersey.

As such, the Cub fan in him might have felt an urge to say…

”You know, honey, PCA makes a good point.”

Instead, he stood by his woman, telling PCA something like--hey, that's my fiancee you're talking to!

While probably thinking something like--thank goodness, this picnic area's enclosed by a fence!

Imagine the fallout had Angel Reese said what PCA said...

The Sox went on to win with a walk-off tenth-inning home run by Edgar Quero that had half the city sobbing and the other jumping for joy.

Not surprisingly, the local reaction to suckmyfuckindickbitchgate was similarly split.

By and large, Cubs fans denounced the woman. And Sox fans trashed PCA or, as Antonio (from the South Side) now calls him--POS.

Pretty clever, Antonio.

I do know one Sox fan--call him Fitz--who criticized the woman's behavior, noting she was "giving off Erika Kirk vibes."

Apparently, some Sox fans are lefties.

A day later, PCA apologized--sorta--saying, "I think I just regret my choice of words."

And the bosses of major league baseball fined him $5,000.

Leaving many questions, which I will now answer for you know nothings…

Does PCA, in fact, suck?

No, that's just White Sox-fan hate. He's very talented.

Should that Sox fan have told him he sucked?

No, she should have left him alone.

Should he have have told her "suck my fucking dick, bitch"?

No. He should have left her alone.

Should PCA have apologized?

Yes, and more forthrightly than he did.

Should he have been fined?

No. I mean, she started it.

Was the Sun-Times wimpy for not telling readers what he said?

Absolutely!

Would they have concealed those comments had they'd been uttered by, say, Angel Reese?

Hell, no! Probably put it in an headline. 

Should we give the New York Post credit for telling us, in their own redacted way, what PCA said?

No way! They were chicken-shit with their redactions. Besides, they're a right-wing rag for Trump. As PCA might say--they can suck...

Well, like I said, sometimes it's better just to leave it alone.